Flashback: “Don’t Worry, You’re Black”

“Medicine is for you.” A high school teacher working with the medical magnet program was passionate about inspiring students and played a key role in why I decided to take the plunge into becoming an MD. So, when I applied to medical school towards the end of my undergrad career, I knew exactly what kind of doctor I wanted to be.

In addition to the prompting of my high school teacher, my experience on my OB-Gyn rotation left quite the impression. I fell in love with the process of pregnancy, birth, and, of course, babies! Those close to me are keenly aware that I love kids. Granted, I don’t have any yet; thus, my rosy perspective of children may change. Alas, I choose to remain in my bubble of believing children are a joy and pure bliss. Anyways, pardon my temporary tangential thought- let’s get back on track.

I loved it; after that rotation, I knew that I was destined to be an OB-Gyn physician with an emphasis on maternal fetal medicine.

By now, you can probably guess where this is going. I am a family medicine resident, not OB, but bear with me as I share.

Fast forward and I am at the end of my third year in medical school. Only one rotation left- OB-Gyn. This was intentional, as my strategy was to save it for the end to maximize what I could learn so my performance on that rotation would blow the minds of my future colleagues and bosses.

My mid-rotation evaluation comes up, and simply put, they were not impressed. A onetime instance where I showed up a few minutes after the start of sign-out was described as a pattern of being late. A onetime instance of taking up a senior resident’s offer permission to rest awhile on night float led to the judgement I was lazy. Leaving early for a meeting with a core faculty member in the OB department, which I informed my fellow medical school colleagues of at the time prior to leaving, led to the assumption that I was disinterested and disengaged- choosing to come and go at my leisure. And lastly, an assertively worded email to the residency coordinator labeled me as disrespectful and unprofessional. The days I showed up, asked questions, and offered to help more times than I could count somehow didn’t even exist

I internalized those remarks and felt hurt. I truly was passionate about OB-Gyn (in some ways I still am) and I felt these evaluations were not an accurate description of me at all. Rubbing salt in this tender wound, I was the only face of color- the disregard and lack of concern for my learning from the attendings on service only made more obvious once I knew about the evaluations.

With the permission of the chief of OB-Gyn I switched to a different site for the remainder of my rotation. I could not spend another moment crying in my car watching the seconds rush by for me to start my shift on the floor in place I knew I wasn’t wanted. I saw this change in scenery as a fresh start with guarded hope that the second half would be different. Would you have guessed that the evaluations at the end of the rotation were completely different? So different in fact that they seemed to be describing a whole new student- practically night and day. Interestingly, the OB-Gyn chief didn’t seem to notice any issue or concern with how the same student in two different rotations could have drastically different evaluations. Could my performance really change like that overnight?

Nonetheless, my OB-Gyn rotation was an eye-opening experience. I was still feeling the sting of hurt even though the positive evaluations at the end did offer a boost to my confidence. Something I had dreamed about since medical school turned out to be a disappointment. My dream was crushed.

The last balloon to pop on this dream came during my final rotation visit with the chief of OB-Gyn. She reviewed my performance in the rotation, making a noted of the sudden “change” in my performance.

She was aware of my passion for OB-Gyn and was willing to offer advice. She looked at the cumulation of my performance in medical school so far and informed me that my chances weren’t great, but still possible. Plus, I had the added advantage of being black. In case you missed it, let me say that again- I was informed that I had the advantage because I was black. The implication was that the supplementation of my skin color to my well wrapped application package would increase my chances of being accepted to an OB-Gyn residency program. Clearly, my merit alone was not enough. Of course, it was nothing personal- just a convenient fact.

I didn’t need to be well versed in the current political events of the current times or wear a beret in uniform for activism to know that the pearly, white seasoned attending- whether intentionally or not- just trivialized my struggles as a black women in medicine. In addition to being the most unprotected member of society, I had to bury the anger and shame behind a submissive smile. I bit my tongue, tasting blood symbolic of hundreds of years of suffering, to keep myself from incurring any further misguided labels that could hinder the progress of my career. I thanked her for her time, walking away as if crossing a tight rope; knowing any sudden movement could unleash a series of events I would not be able to take back.

I could have explained to her why this “advantage” was constructed in the first place. I could have assertively expressed how offending it was for her to believe a program would accept me simply to satisfy a diversity quota. I could have said many things. But, I kept silent.

I sought counsel from those who had a similar experience (all of which strongly expressed the melanin in all its brilliance for the world to see). Over time, I decided to lean into the career path better suited for me.

Would I still have gone into OB-Gyn if it had not been for this experience? It is possible. I still enjoy women’s health and later discovered a passion for children and adolescents as well and found the career that allowed to care for this patient population.

Family medicine ended up being the best fit for me, and to this day, I am grateful for the opportunity to serve in this space for now- even through the realities and challenges inherent to the field and changing times.

Now, the moment has come and gone for me to let it go. The comment was unwarranted- even if it came from well-meaning intentions. Simply put, it was something that should have never been said. As hard as it was, and sometimes is to this day in different experiences I have had, I chose to walk in the truth of who I am. I can no longer grant anyone, regardless of title or status, the authority to challenge what is already true about me

Ob-Gyn physicians, especially those who look like me, will forever hold my respect as they are the ones who had a part in drawing me into medicine. As far as ever being one of them, for now I will say it isn’t in the books for me, but who knows? If that is ever a path I choose to take in the future, best believe the world will know that accomplishment is based entirely on merit- the only role my skin will play is to serve as a symbol to those behind me that they, too, are capable of achieving all that they dream of.

To end, I will leave you with this; if you are reading this and you happen to be a person of color going into medicine, know that you are more than capable of excelling. You are worthy and capable as you are, despite the shade of your skin. Even though you will need to work harder than those who claim they are native to this country, know you will shine and inspire others around you to be the best they can be in whatever path they choose to take in life.

To you as well as myself, take heart- be strong and embrace moments when you need to rest. Remember, the desire God has placed in your heart will eventually come to life.

Until we meet again, stay well and continue to carry a heart filled with compassion and gratitude

What say you? Leave your thoughts and comments below or message me either on Instagram @minorinmd or via email @ minorinmd@gmail.com.

Until next time, stay well, carry gratitude and compassion in your heart, and remember the best is always to come.

All the best,

-MinorinMD